The three someones of the two states of my life - a Shenoy

It was another Friday evening. Naren, 'Chuck' and Krish celebrated one year of moving 'to onsite', or specifically the Netherlands with yet another evening of alcohol, games and office gossip.

"Man", said Naren. "The appraisals are a real bitch this time. I sucked up all year to the guy sitting in Kolkata, but it turns out that it's Boss, who sits next to my cubicle, who will appraise me. And he thinks that I have an attitude problem."

"That sucks!", Chuck and Krish echoed.

"Yeah, not just that. He says he's going to rate me 'Excellent, but in an ordinary way'. This will postpone my promotion by two years. I don't even know if it's worth staying here anymore."

At this point, Chuck who got tipsy and emotional even with the idea of consuming alcohol exclaimed, "I feel for ya buddy! I really feel for ya!"

Then he said something they didn't expect, "You should threaten that bastard with his life."

"How can he do that? Boss stays 50 km away and the moment Naren wakes up tomorrow, he will be too chicken to say anything against Boss", Krish asked, realistic as always.

"I know a way", Chuck declared, and proceeded to lift a dart from a pockmarked board behind the door.

Before the others knew what was happening, Chuck hurled it with all his strength at the window.

To everyone's surprise, the dart shattered the double-paned glass and traveled like a missile before lodging itself in a tree, nearly half a mile away. Krish and Naren looked at Chuck agape.

"This is all you need to do, Naren. Take a couple of more swigs, write a note to Boss and throw it with all your might. Heck, I'll even write the note for you."

After drinking another half a bottle of the Absinthe and meditating on Boss' face, Naren threw a dart from his house. Feeling a little stupid, he went to sleep.

The next morning Boss called Naren to his cabin.

"Naren, I am in mortal fear. I don't know how you got a dart next to my bed, but I have no choice but to believe your note that you can throw a poison-tipped dart at me from any distance. This is blackmail Naren, you know it. However, you leave me no choice but to recommend you for a promotion and change your rating to 'Excellent in an excellent way'. Just stop threatening me, I beg of you."

Naren bounded out of Boss' room and called Krish and Chuck for an emergency coffee meeting to tell them what happened. "How on earth were we able to hurl darts across such long distances last night, Chuck? What was the trick?"

Chuck smiled his crooked smile and said, "Absinthe makes the dart throws stronger."

------

For those who don't know, why this is called a 'Shenoy', it's named after the famous Narendra Shenoy. Some Shenoys here and here. You can find many more on his blog.

A little pre-Easter Humor

Said vs meant, featuring Shahid Afridi

The most ironic news of recent times has to be that of Afridi calling upon Mohammad Yousuf to reconsider his decision of retirement. Afridi should know - given that he announced retirement when his career went through a trough. And now he has bounced back from being banned to being named captain.

A quick translation of what he said.

What he said I think Yousuf is taking an emotional decision, but I think he must reconsider his decision because he still has a lot to give to Pakistan cricket. Yousuf I think has been affected by the recent happenings and is upset with the ban on him, but he is a senior player and he must handle the situation. He must not take an emotional decision. We have a lot of Test matches coming up in next 10 to 12 months and we need his experience against the top teams like Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand.

What he meant He'll look like an idiot if he takes it back. I did. Plus he bats really well. Nowhere near as inconsistent as me. Ban schman. For all you know, he'll be captain tomorrow. Oh no, I have to put this more subtly. By commenting on Test cricket, I am vying for the post of captain in that form of the sport also. Gimme a shot, selectors.

Anyway, rhetorical question - what's not emotional about Pakistani cricket?

The productivity lifecycle for a software tool (or some such)

All right, it's been a day when I've used one too many tools that have become too resource hungry and tried to do too much. But you get the picture!

Shahid Afridi's captaincy acceptance speech

After the recent appointment of Shahid Afridi as captain, the evergreen boy rounded up his team mates to inspire them to World Cup Glory. DH has an exclusive transcript of his speech.

Friends, team mates and people who know me from the past two decades of my 20's,

A dream has been fulfilled. No, I am not retiring again. I am here to tell you all that I have been named your Lord, master and captain.

We are a team that thrives on unpredictability. No question is as simple as it seems. Can a banned player get a President's award? Am I a leggie or a quickie? How long is a lifetime ban? Have I had breakfast? You never really know.

But there's one tournament where we have been predictable - the T20 World Cup. In the first edition, we came second and in the second edition we came first. This is not only a testament to our consistency, but also a pretty nifty arithmetic progression. According to my calculations, we should be on the negative side of the number line very soon. But enough ou already know about my mad math skillz from my complex age formula. So let me jump straight to the motivational part.

We must come together as a team now to play our first important series after the banning of Mohammed and Younis bhais. It won't be difficult - you lot have been lucky enough to be blessed with a dynamic leader. That tells me that the Pakistani team, especially me, has a lot of talent. I want every one of you to feel that pride.

Our past has not been perfect. But I'm not thinking of our flaws. I'm not thinking of the time when Misbah acted like a moron to scoop that catch up in the first T20 World Cup final or when people violated my privacy and saw me scrape the pitch against England. The time has come for us to forget those blemishes and step up. Let us practise hard starting today, so that we can fulfil my dream of becoming the youngest captain to win a T20 tournament, or at the very least get ahead in the race for becoming the Karachi City Cricket Association captain.

Are you all with me?

Behind the scenes of CSK vs KXIP match

On the Super Sunday of 21st of March 2010, another IPL match was meandering to a boring result. Suddenly the IPL Chief, in a Citi moment of success, reached for his Maxx Mobile and called the owners of the Chennai Super Kings and Kings XI Punjab. Here's what transpired.


Phone call 1
Lalit Kumar Modi: Hello, is this the India Cements guy?
India Cements Guy: Yes.
LKM: Dude, what is going on? Those Priety boys have crawled to a piddly total and you guys are in a crawl race to get there? Can you BE any more boring? Do you think you're making a footpath?
ICG: Lalit, it's a planned strategy for us to win...
LKM: I don't give a rats ass about your victory. Listen, this is not the cement industry, this is entertainment. Making solid structures is not the idea. Tell your batsmen to push it to the end and go to Super Over or something.
ICG: But, they're playing so well...
LKM: My mortar man, if I wanted quality, I would have invited Hema Malini to be a cheerleader. But you don't see that booty shaking around here, do you?
ICG: And after that?
LKM: After that booty shakes, there's no saying what will happen...
ICG: No, I mean after the super over.
LKM:.You guys make cement right? You'll put it together.
ICG: As sure as our jerseys are yellow, you will have a great match, Lalit. Our brand is about trust and quality and... hello? Hello?

Phone Call 2
LKM: Hi Priety.
PZ: Oh hiiiiii Lallu. I'm having so much fun, see how the boys are running na...
LKM: Please pass the phone to Ness Wadia.
PZ: Nessssiiiiee...
LKM: Ness, your team's getting creamed.
NW: I know, Priety doesn't understand the sport, she just likes men running around...
LKM: I'm not calling about that. I've told those yellow idiots to get out pretending to hit big shots.
NW: Did they have to make it that obvious? Gony's shot was ridiculous.
LKM: That's ok, as long as that guy who made that Facebook comic about me doesn't find out and blog about it, we should be ok. Listen, the idea is a super over.
NW: Ok cool. Hey, but please let us win na? We haven't won anything in a long while. Team is quite useless.
(Background: Priety screaming, "Hiiii Nesssssiiiiieeeee, they're all saying that Irfieee bowled a Super Over. i'm going 2 hug sum ppl!!!!!")
LKM: Ok, I will talk in code now.
NW: Why? Whatever.
LKM: The mongoose will be bitten by a snake and the Raina won't shower more than once.
NW: What?
LKM: Ok yaar, you can win this one. But only under one condition.
NW: Anything.
LKM: Yuvi must make arrogant-face. Deflects from his moobs and tummy. And gets good ratings.
NW: Consider it done.

 (Image courtesy: The Hindu)

Lalit Modi's Facebook activities - a webcomic

Click here for higher resolution.

Please retweet (see link above) or share this comic if you liked it.

Good news, bad news

Recently, there's a forward that's been going around that has a British journalist waxing eloquent about India based on his experience in Tamil Nadu. Here is the scanned image that you've probably already felt warm inside about.

On the other hand, Anjali Philip pointed me to this piece through her Twitter feed. Here's a sample:

India is a mess. It’s that simple, but it’s also quite complicated.

It goes on to state what the author thinks about India's problems, and this guy has travelled the country a little more than ol' Shakespeare of the previous article. I'm not saying that either of these are perfect or accurate in every way, but why am I not surprised that no one's forwarding this article (or even reweeting the link)?

Our love for good news is only paralleled by our tendency to ignore the bad.

Drinking culture

'A drink a day may keep women's weight gain away' claims Hindustan Times.

I await a repartee from these guys now. What fun it will be!

Sugar fronts and cyclical reproductions

Today's ToI has a headline 'PM admits failure on sugar front'

"If there is a failure of ---, it is with regard to sugar... we have not been able to find a practical and pragmatic way to deal with the cyclical behaviour of sugarcane reproduction"

(emboldening and ommission mine)

The statement, of course, was no consolation for this dejected soul who has had a difficult life because of repeated frontal failures by parent sugars.

In unrelated news, another long awaited product for men is finally out in the market.

Yes, while the wife is sincerely hunting for groceries in the retail store, I'm off snickering at funny sounding products and taking pictures. It's quite a shame.