Wednesday, June 10

Indians reeling under a spate of racial attacks in Indian metros

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After the recent racial attacks on Indians in Australia, Canada and never-never land, Indians are now being racially targeted in unexpected quarters - India's metros.

Earlier in the day, Chennai-ites were shocked to learn that Indians were flowing into Chennai like rasam in a plate of rice. One man, while self-immolating was heard shouting the slogan, "Who set me on fire" to the joy of the mob that had gathered around him. Upon hearing this, the Chief Minister immediately declared that babies born with non-Indian names would be given gold coins and made to cover up their nudity for this was a most non-Tamil state of being. At the time of going to press, a bill was being discussed to make curd rice the symbol of the Tamil movement.

In New Delhi, young boys teased young Indian girls, occasionally molesting or raping them in order to a lesson. Cops who stopped some of these offenders were immediately presented with a cellphone saying, "Lo baat kar lo". The code phrase led to a wide smile from the cops who immediately recognized the Dilli ka bandas and responded with, "Panchod." Later in the evening, Punjabis and Nepalis joined the Delhi-ites in a candle light vigil at the newly-rechristened Delhi Gate.

As the tension spread, Kolkata was slow to react since it was on strike for no apparent reason. As a result of general excitement, it had to call off the strike in order to protest the vast numbers of Indians coming in from non-Bangladeshi borders. "This is not true, we are never racist", Mr Banerjee said without provocation. "We are too slow to be racists. We will come last.", he said and giggled with glee bordering on insanity. Upon further enquiring, it was understood that he had attempted a joke. Sourav Ganguly further fuelled outrage among his fans by revealing that the Fake IPL Player was indeed an Indian.

Mumbai-ites were appalled after learning that most of the people in the city were Indians and that they were a minimum in their maximum city. As a stop-gap measure, they renamed their IPL team to 'Mumbai Mumbai-ites'. Also on the edge of the sea, tourists were treated to a newly-lit Gateway of Mumbai. A pro-Mumbai political party burned down cabs, shops, slums, trains, babies and pictures of the numeral zero claiming that these were Indian influences they didn't need. "The Marathi man has been suffering indignity for too long now", said Mr Bhamurdekar as he packed his bags to leave office at 3 PM. "I've been working hard, but these bhaiyyas are ruining Mumbai", he wistfully added as he stared at Mrs Godbole.

The policemen around the country seem to be helpless as they claim that their organization has been infiltrated by Indians. We will keep bringing you news as it happens. Stay tuned.

(c) Paranoid Indian Media

11 comments:

  1. This is your awesomest post in recent past. You must have made some extraordinary friends recently to be thus inspired.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't suppose you are talking about yourself. :P

    Now that I'm a published writer, my standards are suddenly sky high. That is only the reason.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course I was talking about myself. I befriended Amit, and he went on to become a super star. Now your stars are rising too. I seem to have some kind of Midas touch. Next, I’m going to be friends with me only for sometime.
    Jokes aside, your midnight toil produced such a superb piece.
    You did a commendable job of raising the issue of the plight of Indians. Your observation, especially about Dilli ka bandas is acute. Looking forward to reading more articles a la Onion. Wish you horde of ideas, and time and tranquility to explore them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ya enough talk - now promote my blog!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I will. I was waiting for you to write something substantial, and with some regularity. After all, I have a reputation too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for the free publicity. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Point well taken.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Point well taken.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I will. I was waiting for you to write something substantial, and with some regularity. After all, I have a reputation too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Of course I was talking about myself. I befriended Amit, and he went on to become a super star. Now your stars are rising too. I seem to have some kind of Midas touch. Next, I’m going to be friends with me only for sometime.
    Jokes aside, your midnight toil produced such a superb piece.
    You did a commendable job of raising the issue of the plight of Indians. Your observation, especially about Dilli ka bandas is acute. Looking forward to reading more articles a la Onion. Wish you horde of ideas, and time and tranquility to explore them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is your awesomest post in recent past. You must have made some extraordinary friends recently to be thus inspired.

    ReplyDelete