The state of the Indian western toilet

[Warning: Graphic imagery ahead]
No, I don't mean the Indian 'style' toilet. I mean the Indian western toilet.

Nowhere is the state of this more evident than in a train. Admittedly things are better than they were a decade ago. But better does not mean good.

Exhibit A: The western loo at the second AC coach aboard the Trivandrum express.

After generous helpings of medu vadas, train made chicken biryanis, home made chana with chapatis and numerous nesscoffees that were consumed throughout the day, your nose is bound to feel the effects of what these smell like out the other end once you enter the room of hideous deeds. A piece of advice here, they don't smell too exciting. Speaking of pieces, they're there too - way down the pipes. In their post processed state. But they can't hurt you, you surmise. A quick flush and you're underway.

It also helps if you're really desperate so that your brilliant mind can do its job of selective perception and filter things you would rather not see. You are quite happy also that La-loo has installed tissue paper dispensers which you generously arrange before you 'sit'. The seat is not what it is back home. There is definitely water on it. Of what kind you can never be sure. Yet again Mr Brain ignores minor details as he feels the pressure from Mr Anus. You begin your task.

At that very moment, it hits you. No not a falling part because of the wildly jerking train, but the realization that the chain tied to the mug hasn't been extended to use the western toilet. It doesn't reach.

After massive positional adjustments and passionate yanks, you get yourself cleaned up and get up when you see that Laloo's newly installed soap dispensers lack a small detail: soap.

Fortunately, you've been smart enough to get some of your own. So it doesn't matter to you. You smirk at your own intelligence and press the rather large flush button.

Your haughty feeling is washed away with a gush of water that starts tearing out of the pipes that were meant to direct water to the soiled area.

You beat a hasty retreat and on the way back realize why the seat was wet.
Enter Mr Brain and selective perception. You continue reading your copy of the newspaper. All's well that ends.

[Update]
For all those who don't know to use a western lavatory, please watch the video below for some handy tips.

Off to Kerala!

Have a nice weekend. Mobile blogging zindabad.

Please let me know what happens with the IPL. :-(

The most optimistic banner of all time...

... was from one Deccan Chargers fan at the Deccan Chargers - Chennai Super Kings tie.

It read, "We are first from last."

Life gave him lemons, and he made a lemon orchard. That's the spirit.

Useless information of the day

From DNA India:

Sachin buys old bungalow for Rs 39 cr.

Life goes on.

Horrors!

Look at what a Malaysian minister said:

It is unfair to punish women and children and the clothes they wear for the act of rapists.

Thank goodness we don't have such thoughtless ministers in India. Our culture is safe, CRAPMan saves the day yet again.

The Indian Premiere League of Extraordinary commentator-men

[Updated]
Ravi: Sunny bhai, where's my shaving cream? Finding it will do my confidence a world of good.
Sunil: I'm sure Siva would have taken it. *evil snicker*
Aamir: This is going to be fun, this IPL League.
Ravi: Siva, have you seen my shaving cream?
Siva: Ravi, why do you assume that I have taken your shaving cream? I don't think shaving cream is the issue, the issue is that you all think that...
Arun: What perplexes me is that at the toss yesterday who took the coin? I'm not going to cover tosses anymore, this is my 3rd 2-rupee coin.
Aamir Sohail: I saw the man, Sachin Tendulkar.
Arun: Did he take the coin? Ah, it was a terrific coin from my perspective.
Aamir: The coin, it was not taken by him.
Arun: Then who took the coin? And why are you suddenly talking about the little master? What perplexes me was why they used my coin?
Sunil: By the way, I am the one who is called the Little Master. Sachin is simply the best batsman in the world.
Siva: Why does everyone assume that I steal everyone's coins? I just bought a new car. My dope days are over. Look, I've even put on weight. *points at toe*
Sunil: So do you thinking stealing is not a hard man's game, Siva? *evil snicker*
Arun: What perplexes me is why we've not been...
Ravi: Siva, do you have the cream or do you not have the cream? I need to shave like a tracer bullet.
Aamir: He doesn't have the cream, he does.
Ravi: So does he have it or doesn't he, Aamir?
Aamir: He doesn't have it, the cream.
Arun: He really perplexes me.
Ravi: Ranjit, Didn't you use it last?
Ranjit: Yes indeed, but this is indeed is way-are I kept it after using it, as a matter of fact. Speaking of crickut, Jayasuriya...
Sunil: Sachin is the best batsman in the world. His record speaks for itself. Look at his test average. And look at this myCan, it's like magic. And now myTummy. Wow!
Ajay: Sachin may be the best player, but that Lekha Washington. *Drools and forgets his lines*
Ranjit: All right Sunil, but in T20 crickut...
Sunil: Test cricket is the real test. In my day, I faced the mighty West Indians without a helmet, and they only had to raise on eyebrow, they never sledged, which brings me to sledging. Australians need to stop sledging, because sledging is not cricket...
Aamir: What is he saying, Sunil Gavaskar?
Sunil: Are you asking me or referring to me in the third person?
Ravi: Guys, I need to get my shaving cream, or I'm not going...
Anchor 1 from Sprite: Maybe you can use Sprite...
Pommie: Wow, inflation in India is only 7.83%. That's awesome!
Ravi: Sunny bhai, why is my shaving cream in your pocket? I just get the feeling this search is going down to the wire.
Ajay: Lekha Washington... shaving cream...
Aamir: You seem to be smitten by her, Lekha Washington.
Kris: This is definitely, whatdoyousay, a Citi moment of success.

(Incorporating some points from Wanderer. More contributions welcome. :) )

CRAP Chronicles - 1

CRAPMan Log May 21st 2008:

Cricket is very cultural to me. But this IPL is only after making money which is very bad. It is like vomit on a lovely Cultural programme. It is like Cola in my Chaach and rock music on AIR. Since starting only, my CultureSense^tm is tingling pleasurably err... uncomfortably seeing many cheeringleaders with lots of skin. Normally, even seeing naked ankles is infusing wrong feelings in me. I am never seeing such things unless it is these internet websites which is also by mistake sometimes.

Using my psycho Culture powers, I sent a subliminal Cultural Message to our cheeringleaders in politics. Glad to see it is working. That is me, CRAP man, always working.

Next target: Handholding in public.

The legend of CRAP Man

Little Hagannath was born on the 14th of February. He first noticed how cultureless India on his 6th birthday. His uncle Ramu didn't make it to his birthday party. After the party was over, his mummy told him that Ramu uncle was in a park. With some aunty. That night little Hagannath dreamed that Ramu uncle was in the park with some other aunty doing dirty, dirty things. It might have been the result of watching a Rishi Kapoor movie earlier in the day, but it opened his eyes.

It was out of this crisis that a hero arose. He would weed out public hand holding, hugging, Valentine's days and other Western influenzas with his superpower: CultureSense^TM.

With this awesome ability, he set about the task of protecting his nation from falling in to chaos. An IT recruiter by day, by night he is Culturally Righteous Assisduous Policeman - CRAP Man.

Watch this space for more CRAP Man adventures...
[Sketches of CRAP Man solicited]

A rather short year

It's been a short year. The shortest. I don't remember the last time time flew like this. Not that my memory's the greatest, but even so.

I had written this long post, and re-written it about fifty times to show how much marriage means to me and how happy I am. Unfortunately, none of those fifty versions cut it. This feeling is indescribable. What joy life brings just when you're beginning to become cynical!

To the happiest year of my life, and to the special person who made it all possible. Happy first anniversary, sweetheart.

Little Red Riding Hood, my boss' version

Fyi, I would now, manage your expectations on a strategic resource's growth story. This is, essentially, about a resource called Little Red Riding Hood. The same walks through the woods to reach out to her grandmother to ensure a successful delivery of food to the above mentioned.

At the end of the day, a wolf wants to utilize the resource but is afraid from the public point of view. He touches base with the same, and she naïvely gives him visibility on her roadmap. He drives the resource to pick more of some flowers, which she does. At that point in time, he leverages the longer time frame to go to the grandmother's house and takes ownership by role-playing to be the resource. He swallows the grandmother whole at the earliest, and holds on for the girl, disguised as the grandmother to engage the resource. When the resources touches down, he utilizes her whole too. A hunter, however, comes into the loop and cuts the wolf open to resolve the issue.

Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother emerge unharmed from the eating perspective. They fill the wolf's body with roadblocks, which phase him out.

--------------------------

Sent from my BlackBerry Handheld.

Ok enough frustration release, back to work now.

Oscar Pistorius - Almost there

From the Telegraph:

The 21-year-old, born without fibulae in both legs and 11-months-old when his legs were amputated below the knee, will now return to his dream of qualifying and competing at the Beijing Olympics and Paralympics.

Every so often, you see a story of the human spirit that makes you realise how small your challenges are and how easily you give into miniscule roadblocks. Oscar Pistorius' is one such story. I'm hoping that he makes that time of 45.55. We're rooting for you, Oscar!

Citibank - Delhi Metro ad

Brilliant! I'm proud to say that my brother was involved with this. I love the music, especially the fact that the chorus is based on the falling-chord-progression corporate tune of Citi. Way to go, bro!

The CAW effect - Chennai Autowallahs

Today was yet another rude chapter in the book of my experiences with the Chennai Auto Wallahs (CAWs). I was appalled as I encountered a new bargaining strategy that was as insidious as any I've encountered.

For the unitiated, what normally happens in Chennai is that you see them quote a ridiculous fare with what they consider a customer friendly expression. "I have to go from Adyar to Tiruvanmiyur", you say - a distance of 2 km. "120", comes the reply with a vigorous side to side shake of the head and a smile only a blind mother could love. You then settle on a price or repeat this for about three or four CAWs and get a feel of the best price you can get. It's not pretty, but the Chennai-ite takes it with a pinch of salt and carries on.

Today I was the victim of another ingenious scheme. I quoted the name of the area where my office is. He pretended to misinterpret the name and muttered the names of two or three places under his breath that sounded like the place I mentioned. Every time, he agreed to a pauperly sum of 80. Finally he confirmed that he heard the exact place I said and conceded to 80 again. This was shocking because the charge by meter is 67. No, that's not the shocking part. The first price that these guys quote to start with has been an average of 150, after which they settle between 80 and 100 after intense argument and an acceptable level of personal insult.

The strategy that ensued was pretty unethical even by CAW standards. After we sat, the yellow auto was set into motion. Very inconspicuously, he blurted,"120". My civil senses restrained my hand from slapping the fellow and I only managed a few unfriendly pokes on his back asking him to stop. Although, this wasn't really terrible (even I've have had worse experiences), I shudder to think what happens when women travel alone in this city. I've heard incidents ranging from CAWs spitting on women when they argue too much to them trying to ride off into the night when a lady argues. The lady is in the auto, of course.

The autorickshaw community has long been considered by many as a form of crime control, with most potential goons taking up that occupation. Although, I don't completely subscribe to that philosophy because I've met some real angelic CAWs, I do think that it's about time that the authorities start looking at this as a very real threat in terms of potential crime, rather than a votebank. After all, an auto or any private mode of transport renders the traveler at the mercy of the drivers, and that's a matter of life and death.

Excerpts from Vijay Mallya's diary

(Somewhere in May 2008)

Another loss. Got piss drunk. Broke some bottles of competitors' booze and had a few swigs of RC. Blanked out. I hate cheap whiskey.

Awoke to Rahul's sms. Says he's not going to play the game anymore. What a relief. Finally, I can replace that white elephant. Need to make travel plans to Goa to poach some Rajasthan Royal team members for next season on their Goa vacation.
Note to self: Check cockpit glass in the flight. Never know what happens.

Worried about Gian. Says he's unhappy and not performing because he doesn't have NFL cheerleaders rooting for him. I told him I pay him a bomb, and he can go get whoever he wants to cheer. He said not a good idea. Look what happened to Cristiano, he says. Am pissed again, need to speak to some presswallahs.

Broke some more competitor bottles and spoke to the press and took a dig at Aguri. Always helps. Pretended like I know a lot about F1. Am so smart, drives me crazy sometimes. Feeling a little better.

Another day, another disaster. Heard SAB Miller's coming out with a brand to take KF head on. To think I named my team after one of their brands. Should have just called them Anitquity Blue Bangalore like I originally planned.

Was pissed again, so spoke to the press again. Feeling much better. Based on Rahul's sms that he's not going to play, said that Rahul and Charu didn't listen to me. Also said that I wanted Misbah and some 'others' in the team. Hope it makes me look good. Love it when I talk like I know stuff.
Note to self: Support ladies sports more. Working with so many men is definitely not my thing.

More bad news, I looked at Rahul's sms again. He said he's not going to play the blame game anymore. I hate cheap whiskey.

Inspired in part by Great Bong's hilarious post: http://greatbong.net/2008/05/09/bangalore-royally-challenged

Useless information of the day

From DNA India:

Are CEOs with left-parted hair more successful?

Go figure.

Ratings added!

All right, for getting feedback from you, my readers, I'm adding a ratings widget, please be brutally honest.

Iron Man - The review

One doesn't really go with great cinematic expectations for a movie like "Iron Man". What I wanted was just a good ol' action/superhero film, but it's hard to say I wasn't disappointed, even with those very low expectations.

It was a typical SuperHero story with a Batmanesque billionaire-fighting-crime-at-night theme, and that was a fun concept for a category such as this. The director also tried some unique treatment of milestone events. The part where Tony Stark's (played by Robert Downey Jr.) convoy gets bombed in Afghanistan, and when he makes an announcement at the end are two examples that immediately spring to mind. Something very important happens very quickly. This, however, didn't really work for me. I suppose trying to differentiate oneself as a director is hard, and Jon Favreau couldn't really pull this one off.

To be fair, the movie had its positives. It did do a decent job of infusing some humor with scenes such as Iron Man shooting down multiple targets (no spoilers!), and asking his villainous version, "How did you solve the icing problem?". Oh, and there was this robot that acts as cute as any robot can get.

As with any superhero movie, the costume plays a major part in how the movie is accepted, and the maroon and gold Iron Man suit was just cool beyond words. The stunts were a mixed bag; the one with the two fighter planes chasing down Iron Man was awesome, but the one with the Iron-Men fighting wasn't too hot. It's also possible that I'm getting a little too old for this kind of action, seeing as how I didn't enjoy the Transformers' action too much.

It also had the usual superhero moral dilemma, with this movie essaying the guilt that weapon makers feel (or don't feel) and the corruption that exists in that industry. My favorite part of the whole movie, though, was the Black Sabbath riff from their song 'Iron Man' as the credits began to roll. Sweet!

Having said all this, the movie missed that crucial punch, with probably a little too much happening at times, and some parts overstaying their welcome. One felt that the usually gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow was a bit too plain as Pepper Potts (sigh, what a disappointment!) and her role was a little too boring at times. Tony Stark's personality is confusing, with some scenes showing him as a mature human being, and some scenes showing him to be plain crazy.

In summation, the verdict is confused, I'm not crazy about the film, but it's not a dud either. 6 on 10.

Not all politicians are corrupt

Reading this made me think. We always think that our politicians, the whole lot of them, are corrupt. How ironic that the 'Senior Cabinet Minister's' probably most ethical act came from looking at the drinks menu in a five-star hotel!

I just wish I knew which party this poitician belonged to, so that I could vote for him / her.

Cheers!

Useless info of the day

From IBN:

Leggy women are less likely to develop memory problems, with every extra inch of leg reducing the risk of Alzheimer by 16 per cent, suggests a study.

From DNA India:

The Indian Premier League (IPL) is all set to scrap the $five million cap on the players' salaries from next season onwards, a move that could see top cricketers earn as much as a whopping $15 million (Rs 61 crore approx).

Being neither a cricketer, nor a leggy woman; things look bleak. I brave the winds of useless information and soldier on.

Performance counts here, Charu

Well, one of the hilarious outcomes of the Royal Challengers drunken losses has been Charu Sharma losing his job as the 'CEO' of the team. Hehehehehehehe. The whole situation is just so funny that I need a moment.

I really don't get what he was doing in the first place, or on what basis he was qualified to do it. I always thought that Charu wasn't half as good as Harsha Bhogle, and on a stage where performance can actually be measured, he's been caught out. Now, if only they took the feedback of the viewers about the quality of his compering and commentary, I do think the poor man would be out of work.

Vodafone Pug done wrong?

Was Rocky mistreated? What do you think? My biggest concern is, was the pug wearing seat belts on the flight to South Africa? Hmmm, so much to think about if you have nothing to do...

Good? Nay, best!

When was the last time you felt like this?Go ahead; watch and feel good best.