Wednesday, March 7

World Cup Analysis

Expert A: I think India has an excellent chance to win the World Cup.
Expert B: I agree. However, their bowling must click.
Expert C: Also, we need to point out that their batting has been weak in the recent past.
Expert D: Absolutely, cricket cannot be played with just batting and bowling. It also needs fielding.
Compere: So let me just summarise here, all of you think that India can win the World Cup?

Experts A, B, C & D: Yes... Batting... Fielding... 1983... etc... etc...

That kind of intense analysis really sets one thinking
! We know you're getting sponsors for this trash, but draw your lines, media people. Someone on TV today even had the testicular gumption to call India "former world champions". Of course, he forgot to mention that was nearly a quarter of a century ago. It's been so long that some of the children of those cricketers haven't even been able to make it to the national team despite changing states! And we're still talking about their fathers? By those standards, we are all former orgasms with former ape ancestors formerly eating mud and dung as former dinners.

To be an expert, you don't even have to be a good ex-cricketer. No sir. Just being an ex-cricketer is enough. Sometimes not even that. Ask Maninder Singh. How he accidentally got on TV, I'll never know. You wouldn't really venture to call him pretty from any angle. And a genius, he's certainly not. Anyone who listens to his commentary, will definitely get the impression that he has single-handedly won India 3 world cups and 5-10 test series.

"Why is he doing that? Doesn't he know he should be playing straighter?" This from a man who missed a straight ball to snatch a tie from the jaws of victory, that too in test cricket! A nincompoop beyond compare!

"Why is Sachin playing so slowly? I think he should be hitting more shots!" Maninder, do us all a favour and go coach Bermuda or something, I'm sure someone might listen to you over there. Or at least, they won't understand you. Either way, it works out for us.

"Mere hisaab se India ko alag strategy...." The best thing about his commentary, undoubtedly, is the fact that you can use the remote control to mute him.

Also, there are non-players like Mandira Bedi (Go India! Woohoo! Pop! Pop!). I don't mind sexual content being added to cricket to spice it up, I really don't. I'm quite the pervert. I just wish they wouldn't insult our intelligence by trying to portray it as relevant to the cricket. Why does she talk with all those cricket heads in the studio? Mandira should just have a separate conversation with a separate set of people.

Mandira's friend: Remember the time when we ran out of batteries and used that other things? Hee hee!
Mandira: Hee hee!
Mandira's friend: Ya, I know! Hee hee! Fingers were all hurting after putting them inside! Hee hee!
Mandira: Ya, But I think we put batteries only inside the camera.
Mandira's friend: Oh ya, hee hee!
Mandira: Hee hee!
(This session brought to you by Close-Up, Mint-O and Eveready.)

In parallel, you can have your regular cricket experts talking to other cricket experts making a lot of analysis to come up with no conclusion. Compare the ratings, you know my idea's gonna work. What say, Max?

But seriously, here's my analysis for this world cup. India will win it. After all, if we lose this one, interest in cricket will fall in India. If interest falls, sponsors leave. If sponsors leave, boards stand to lose. If boards stand to lose, Mandira loses her job. If Mandira loses her job, well... we wouldn't want it to come to that now, would we? As it is, her poverty is hard to behold.

So Go India! Woohoo! Pop! Pop! Blue billion (?) and what not!

This blog post was (not really) brought to you by Pepsi.


  1. U were wrong...India exited in the first round..Mandira and Maninder are still on air...

  2. Good article... nevermind if india lost..

    donnno how i landed up on your page..