Monday, January 7

Choose your primate

In the true spirit of all humorous writing, I thought it would be an idea worthwhile to create a character. But since humour is also situational to some extent, we need an environment for this character. So here goes nothing.

Blonho, the blue-eyed chimp from Israel

I know what you’re thinking. The name sounds quite Brazilian. But it’s like one of those walks in the park. You never quite know what you’re going to find. Names are not that important. What matters is the humor. For the sake of humor, Blonho would even forego an occasional tongue against iron. So let’s just see where this goes. *cracks knuckles*

Blonho is quite the character, he is. Often known as the blue-eyed chimp of the Mediterranean, he seeks refuge in pornographic magazines and licking of iron. I know you’ve never really met someone like him, but don’t forget also that he is also a political figure, and his eccentricities only give him the halo of divine protection, as all crazy world leaders of the past had, and in the case of America, the present. All failure comes from lack of effort, and this fact is understood better than anyone by Blonho.

In his early years, Blonho was called Juninho and then later Inalberto, but zoo keepers found that chimps having names beginning with the letter ‘B’ tend to have a longer lifespan and consume lesser quantities of alcohol. The conclusion was arrived at by a young kid who was doing a research project as part of his B-School summer internship. He used some correlation and regression based on familial data to prove this. The zoo management thought this high-end stuff was quite impressive. But the truth was that all summer, the kid was so wasted that any hypothesis he tested had to include the terms ‘alcohol’ and ‘life’. So that when one zoo manager politely asked him about the status of the research halfway through the project, he replied, “Life shloopsh of pimpin’ alcohol parshhhimkks” which was misinterpreted as “The life span of chimps and their alcohol (consumption) patterns”. This kid later on went to become a fairly significant failure, but that story another time.

Inalberto used to wear diapers, and Juninho often to used frolic in his own faeces. However, Blonho was a far cry from his predecessors, who it must be noted were he himself. As a result of this rather frequent name changing, Blonho found himself confounded about his lineage, his poor memory telling him that these names were his ancestors, distinct and with complete lives of their own. As a result, he never mingled with the other chimps. He couldn’t decide whether to play with them or advise them on the ways of the world. He had a hard time deciding whether he was wise or innocent. For this reason, there was significant resistance when he was put in social situations, so he got his way in the end and was put on solitary display, where he advised humans on the fine art of blinking. It seemed that his lessons always worked, because his fans of the homo sapien variety always seemed to do his bidding, Indians more than Americans and women more than men, but all race and ethnicities and genders followed what he had to say. He was quite the intelligent communicator.

Judy lry uoit doul piut ouy og yout ginhrtyipd yofsu, judy likr Jrdud youvhrf snf vutrf yhr divk snf vhsllrnhrf, uoi vsn udr yhrdr higyd og Hof yo vtrsyr mshiv. Uoi knoe uoi hsbr iy in uoi, do fn’y esdyr uoit timr tuning sgyrt inbslusnlr yhinhd. Judy lry uoit doul nr uoit piloy, smf ry iy huifr you on uoit esu.

Yes, Blonho also blogged quite often, and as a result had many maidens and gentlemen impressed in the primate world. They came in all types. From chimps, to the red butted baboons, to orangutans, bonobos and even the occasional gibbon. And, he was also the most popular Brazilian sounding celebrity to have never scored a goal. But then, his goals were different.

To be continued….

Or maybe not…

P.S: If I am Blonho, what does that make you? Read the title?